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Surviving Suicide – Part 42

May 15, 2011


Had an amazing training called safeTALK which is a 3 hour training that prepares anyone over the age of 15 to identify persons with thoughts of suicide and connect them to suicide first aid resources. Most people with thoughts of suicide invite help to stay safe. Alert helpers know how to use these opportunities to support that desire for safety. As a safeTALK-trained suicide alert helper, you’ll be better able to:

– move beyond common tendencies to miss, dismiss or avoid suicide;
– identify people who have thoughts of suicide;
– apply the TALK steps (Tell, Ask, Listen and KeepSafe) to connect a person with suicide thoughts to suicide first aid, intervention caregivers.

I highly recommend anyone interested to take this course, I’ve come across many with direct and indirect suicidal comments/posts and it’s incredibly comforting to me that I now have a simple 4 step formula to help them get the help they need. This program and many others are created by a great organization called LivingWorks, I highly recommend you check them out too and see how you can help to raise awareness, educate, dispel stigma and reduce suicide. I’ve added them to my Resources/Links page on this blog if you’d like further information.

June – December 2003 – Life Goes On!

I’ve noted on my daytimer that I signed up for 10 personal sessions with a Pilates instructor and was also doing a major cleanse during June ’03. I really enjoyed pilates and had heard much about it, but never tried it. I must say it was extremely beneficial and within a very short timeframe changed how I was carrying myself, my posture was totally different, my shoulders were much more relaxed and I was standing straight and tall. I was trying to get myself back in shape to feel better.

I still had the boat to try and sell and had it power washed June 11th as it was quite dirty and didn’t show well in that condition. I decided to put in a small fountain in my backyard that year in June too and had the sprinkler system and outdoor lighting done as well which I really enjoyed. I didn’t make many notes in June.

July 1st I’ve noted that I let the government know that I wasn’t rehiring a housekeeper/babysitter and closed down my account for source deductions. I was at home now so there was no need. I’d also listed on Ebay my late husband’s gun reloading bench and equipment and within a very short amount of time had it sold! I was elated as this was a huge piece he’d had custom made, it was a combination that looked like a wall unit, but was geared for reloading. Problem was, my buyer was in the U.S. and getting shipping quotes was very difficult. Finally did get the quote but it was almost as much as the cost of the bench so that buyer didn’t pan out and much later, the man I’d done consignment with for the guns took it off my hands. It seemed to me that pretty much everything of Rob’s that I tried selling or getting rid of was very difficult.

July 2nd I’ve noted that Bridgestone/Firestone Head Office informed me they’d “lost” my original Letter of Credit. Keep in mind I’d been out of my business since Sept. 2002 and they were still delaying final closing of matters and still held my Letter of Credit, which I was personally on the hook for. This meant I had to call the issuing bank and tell them the original was lost, find out what had to be done in that case, found out an affadavit had to be done and it was fairly complicated and meant closure wouldn’t be so easy. I’ve noted “Frustrated 😦 – ate chocolate!” lol!

July 15th I was contacting my bank and arranging a refinancing of my mortgage and boat loan into one vehicle which made things simpler. The gal I dealt with at my bank was phenomenal and I loved dealing with her, she was very informed and knowledgeable, made it easy to understand and was just a pleasure to deal with. I finished off the week by heading up to the beautiful rental cottage with my son, brother, his partner and had a lovely meal at a restaurant nearby. My brother and his partner were wanting to buy a used small boat to run around the lake at the rental cottage, so we went for a run that weekend too. I stayed behind on the Sunday to do a final cleaning and instead of taking the usual 3 hours to get back home, it took 4 hours :(.

I was losing weight with all the exercise and cleansing and was feeling pretty good about it and had a lot more energy. It felt good feeling good about myself and I went to a girlfriend’s place after my pilates workout and because I’d not eaten enough, I almost fainted for the first time in my life. I still remember the insane feeling, how I knew something wasn’t right, that I was going down, yet managed to lay myself down quite carefully so as to not hit anything and hurt myself.

I didn’t pass right out, but was in quite a strange state looking out the door at the rear of the house knowing my girlfriend was out there, yet I couldn’t bring myself to call out for help. I laid there for quite some time contemplating what had happened, noticed how lovely and clean the glass was on her front door, thought how lucky I was to have not hit anything as I went down, thought I must eat more so that this wouldn’t happen again. Finally I was feeling a bit stronger and called out my girlfriend’s name and she came in right away and found me sprawling on the floor lol!

She was shocked to see my laying there, said oh my god what happened! I told her I started to faint but hadn’t gone right out. She asked me what I wanted and I asked for a glass of water as I didn’t feel quite ready to get up yet. She ran for that, came back with it, I sipped it very slowly propped up on my elbow and waited several more minutes before I attempted with her assistance to get up. Once I did get up, I was still quite wobbly so sat on a nearby couch for a bit until I gained my composure. Moral of the story is no matter how much or how quickly you want to lose weight, do it properly. I’d skipped my lunch to go to pilates which is a fairly intensive 1 hour workout and then immediately went for my visit and had a half glass of wine instead of eating something. Not a good combo :).

Late July ’03 I wrote my last and final cheque to my corporate lawyer to get things finished with Bridgestone/Firestone Head Office. That was a huge relief and accomplishment.

I didn’t make many notes in my daytimer in August, I think I was getting so sick of tracking everything that I only wrote notable things. On Thurs., August 14th, all of Ontario where I live and all of New York state had a huge power outage from 4:10pm until 5:30am the following morning. It’s amazing how reliant you become on electricity! No A/C so the house was hot, no computer, no radio, no TV. I couldn’t even get my car out of the garage because it had an electric garage door opener! So I got the candles going, tried reading a bit by candelight and had an early night. Saw on the news the following day once power was restored just how big an outage it was and how many had been very creative with the blackout, restaurants used candlelight, many had patios and because it was so hot, many people spilled out onto the streets and had fun. There was no big crime issue either which was wonderful!

I was still incurring expenses personally for my business and paid the corporate accountant a lot of money August 12th to get a final year end tax return done, something I’d been procrastinating on. I’d also spent quite a bit on computers during this year, both on my own and buying my son his own setup too. Monies were going out, but nothing was coming in and I was depleting what savings I’d built up.

September was back to school for my son and my birthday also falls in September yet I made no notes in my daytimer at all for this month. I had tried to sell the boat from Spring to Fall, had shown it many times, but as boating season came to another close, I still had the boat and no buyer and costs to keep it. I was desperate to get the boat sold and after talking to the manufacturer, decided it was worth a shot to have them sell it for me.

Very late in the season, Oct. ’03 I had to arrange for my boat to be taken from being stored on land to being launched back into the water so it could be driven across the lake to Neptunus. They took everything off the boat and put it into storage so when showing it, nothing would be on board. They painted the bottom of the boat for me as it was not in great shape and wouldn’t show well in that condition, and once again it had to be winterized and stored on land. Lots more expense, but with the hope they’d have better luck finding a buyer as it was one of their boats.

October to December 2003 was more of the same, no notes in my daytimer. Unfortunately, by not being consistent with jotting things down, it’s impossible to remember all these years later. I did note in my chequebook that I made payment to my lawyer to close out a courtcase with my house builder, so that was nice to have one monkey off my back :). So 2003 appears to have been a fairly quiet year for me which was greatly needed and appreciated ;).

It had been a little over a year since closing my business and 3 years since Rob had died. It was amazing how fast the time had gone.

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