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Surviving Suicide – Part 28

July 25, 2010


Have been doing a lot of self reflection this past two weeks. Lots of meditating and grounding myself, lots of visualization and focusing on what it is that I want. Attended a few teleseminars, they always spark growth and new ideas. I have wondered for years what my life purpose was, want it to come out and hit me over the head, but doesn’t seem to work that way ;). I felt so driven to get this blog done, my story out there, feeling it was what I needed to do, that something would show up for me because of it, as yet … I’ve not discovered it.

I’m the type of person who really needs a plan in place, something to work toward, something to keep focused on, something to get behind and put all my efforts into. Recently saw something that said for those of us who ask or wonder what our life purpose is, it is ego speaking. Wasn’t sure whether I liked that or not as ego quite often keeps us stuck in old patterns or behaviours. I am determined to figure it out!

April – July 2001 – After Rob’s Death:

April looks pretty uneventful as I didn’t post many notes in my daytimer. I know for a fact it wasn’t uneventful as I had many fires on the go, was still struggling with Firestone Head Office, was having the boat to sell and dealing with many brokers, had many paperwork tasks to do related with Rob’s passing, etc. I did not at this time know anything about Law of Attraction or any other self development knowledge, but looking back now … I wonder just how much I had to do with what was showing up in my life?

On May 7th I noted that my employee Tony told me he’d had a dream about Rob. That Rob was quite friendly toward him even though they’d never met and that Rob asked Tony “How’s it going? and Boy! I really screwed up! – nothing I can do about it now!”. Tony and I discussed his dream a bit and it seemed strange to me, but life had been very strange as of late lol!

I didn’t take many notes in May either other than May 24th I had all the guns but one, returned from the police who had confiscated them. I then had the task of finding someone to sell them all for me as I surely didn’t want to deal with strangers coming to my home, didn’t really know the value on each gun, etc. This caused me to search for receipts which Rob had quite the habit of getting rid of so I wouldn’t know what he’d spent. I did manage to find quite a few, but the man who I consigned with knew a lot and I just had to let it go and trust him.

The new gun laws in Canada had begun to really tighten in the past year, I had not gone through what was required for me to keep the firearms and had no intention of doing so. This meant I had only one year to get rid of all firearms and this also helped me decide to turn it over to the consignment dealer. As each one sold, he’d take his commission, cut me a cheque for the balance and I believe it was just over 1 year when the last gun sold. I’d learned far more than I wanted to about guns – this was Rob’s passion, not mine, but had to educate myself enough to know what was going on.

This education continued on with whatever items of Rob’s I was trying to get rid of. I had no want to know any of it, but once again had to because I had to deal with it and get it done. The biggest item was our boat. Rob had always handled everything mechanical that needed repairs, whether it be the boat, cars, house repairs so this was all pretty new to me and I didn’t like being in that position to trust what others were telling me when they were involved in the repairs and had monetary gain as their agenda.

Being in the automotive business for 17 years I had learned quite a bit and was a very practical person, so it had to make sense to me or I wouldn’t do it. I was definitely way out of my realm of knowledge on technical/mechanical repairs, relied on my mechanic Tony to help me make sense of some things, but just had to trust, which was not in my nature presently, that what was required was in fact true. I’d sometimes get other opinions before making my decision, but it was exhaustive and stressful.

At some point some friends offered to empty the boat of all personal items. I can’t recall exactly when, but the couple who lived on the boat next to ours and she was the one who had found Rob helped along with our other very good friend Mike. They made several trips with vehicles loaded to the rafters and brought all the “stuff” to my house and unloaded in the basement. There was a ton of mechanical/technical items again I knew sort of what they were, but didn’t know what any of it was worth. For now it just made sense to get the boat emptied so it could be shown to prospective buyers.

During this clean out of the boat, my girlfriend’s sunglasses went missing. They were apparently new, worth about $400 and because there were so many green garbage bags loaded with stuff, they’d been misplaced. My friend Mike had thought they were Rob’s and had packed them, but didn’t have a clue where. Some of the bags had gone to the garbage, unbeknownst to me, so he felt bad they’d been lost and did offer my g/f to replace them, she declined.

It had been mentioned to me in passing, but there was so much coming and going at that point that it didn’t really phase me. As I would much later find out, she had declined Mike’s offer to replace them as she felt it was my obligation to replace them as she’d been helping me out by emptying the boat. She of course never mentioned this was her expectation to me. I had not asked any of them to empty the boat out, they had volunteered and at this time, I’d been told I wasn’t very good at accepting help, so I just accepted.

I knew it was yet another project I’d have to learn about that I didn’t want to learn about in order to be able to unload the stuff now accumulated in my basement. I couldn’t take it on right there and then, but knew eventually I’d have to.

In May 2001 I decided to do something for me, something I’d wanted to do for a long time but hadn’t because we always boated every Spring to Fall. I had decided to build myself a huge deck as my backyard was quite large and had nothing in it at all except grass. The deck was built, looked amazing and I had all my backyard lawn furniture from the old house to put out plus what had been put on the boat and I remember sitting out at night just enjoying it all. It was the first thing I’d really done for myself to bring joy.

I’ve noted June 29th that the yacht club finally revoked WC’s priviledges at the club – it took 4 months for these idiots to enforce what was right. They told me this and then announced they wanted $1,500. for an annual fee which I’d been told would be waived under the circumstances. They knew I was desperately trying to sell, yet seemed to seize every possible opportunity to come at me for more money.

Throughout this timeframe I had listed the boat with several brokers. One that I felt more inclined toward, but should not have (he came to me via my troublesome brother-in-law) as it later proved out, had taken inside and outside shots of the boat, was advertising online, etc. I’d had such a time just trying to establish what the value of the boat was for listing, got told insanely high values initially and had such a short season to sell as it was, that by July 3rd I’d advised this broker and others to drop the price by $50K.

This too was so frustrating and emotionally exhausting, feeling I was being taken advantage of, not just feeling, but knowing. I just wanted a real, honest answer but not one would give it to me. Market value is always whatever you can get, it would take me a long while to figure that out, to stop listening to these brokers. I had the expectation that I was being screwed, but just didn’t know how badly. This is what I mean about my outlook at the time, knowing what I now know about Law of Attraction, could be the Universe was just showing up with what I expected. đŸ˜¦

My brother-in-law resigned amicably I’ve noted on July 5th. Can’t imagine that! lol! He’d been getting pretty out of control doing his own customers’ jobs in my shop, wasn’t paying a dime for that priviledge, used my tools, supplies, etc. and was being a constant pain in the butt keeping his purchases separate from mine as we ordered parts from the same suppliers. I can’t recall exactly what transpired, but I think I told him it just wasn’t working out and he’d have to go. I didn’t put “fired” on his separation slip as that would impact his unemployment insurance, so this is why I think I’ve recorded “resigned”.

During this summer, I was sharing the rental of a wonderful 80 year old cottage about 3 hours north of me that was just a remarkable, relaxing, rejuvenating place of tranquility for me with my brother and his partner. So many of my girlfriends had been such a help to me during this entire mess, had me for dinner, minded my son, etc. that I wanted to repay them by having them come up to the cottage and enjoy it with me.

I’d invited my one girlfriend who had the daughter the same age as my son to come up. I’ve noted it in my daytimer but from what I recall, they did not come as something last minute came up. They were to come Monday to Wednesday July 16-18th as this was a week I was up for holidays and had the cottage to myself. My son was very bored at the cottage as there was no computer, no TV other than videos, etc. My other girlfriend with her son did join us on the Thurs. to Sunday of that same week, so I really enjoyed her and my son had someone to play with.

The other girlfriend I’d really wanted to have up was the one who found Rob dead. She’d been so supportive to me throughout not only the separation and had told me of Rob’s affairs, but she’d had me many times for dinner, was great with my son, etc. She had been withdrawing a bit I’d noticed, but I was really excited to be able to treat both she and her boyfriend as my way of paying them back a a bit by having them up to my magical cottage. I didn’t note when, but it was around this same time period when I’d booked my holidays at the cottage. I’d grocery shopped to get ready but never heard a word out of them.

I called numerous times, left several messages both on her cell phone and her boyfriend’s cell phone – never heard back. I was really disappointed and hurt and wondered what had happened? Then I wondered if something bad had happened and she’d not been able to let me know. Either way, was very sad I’d not been able to share this place I loved so much with them.

That cottage was a lifesaver for me that summer of 2001. No matter what transpired during the week, I’d look forward to the weekends at the cottage and I’d leave early on the Friday from work, leave the shop in the hands of my employees for a few hours until closing and couldn’t wait to get there. I’d unload everything with my son helping, got the groceries put away, then I’d make myself a nice cold drink and head out to the deck and just let the whispering white pines, the view of the lake and the sunshine do their magic. I’d put some music on, watch the sun reflect across the water and just be so thankful I’d been introduced to this place. It truly was magical!

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