Surviving Suicide – Part 26
It’s been quite a while since my last post, life’s been a bit hectic and I don’t know about you, but for me – when I’m away from doing something on a fairly regular basis, the longer I am, the harder it is to get back to it :(.
It’s been wickedly hot and humid here in Toronto, I’m in a burb and am usually an avid gardener, but this season it’s just been too hot to be out there and things got out of control. Had many things to do yesterday, but once it clouded over I decided I needed to take advantage and get out while I could. Put 4 hours in, was 32C (90F), but a great breeze and although I was sweating [sorry to dispell the myth women don’t sweat ;)] like crazy, I got a lot done. Felt good to be outside in the garden and what I love about it so much is that it’s mindless and soothing and instant gratification as you stand back to admire your handiwork!
I wanted to do a post last night, but was so exhausted from the heat and gardening that I knew I couldn’t focus on doing it, so gave myself the night off with a promise to myself that I’d do a post tomorrow – and here it is! Feels so good to follow through doesn’t it?
January/February 2001 – After Rob’s Death:
To pick up where I left off on my last post, I did discuss my bizarre experience of hearing someone at my bedroom door with my sis-in-law. I knew just how insane it all sounded, that most would tell me I was dreaming or having an overactive imagination – but I knew it in my soul that it was Rob that night. My sis-in-law listened and then told me she’d been having all sorts of strange things happening at her place too.
She said doors would be open or closed that she knew had not been left that way, there were some strange electrical happenings too that couldn’t be explained. She too felt Rob’s spirit was with her, but hadn’t mentioned it to many either. We talked about when a person passes with suicide or some other form of tramautic demise, that their spirit/soul is often restless and they don’t leave our world right away. She said she could “feel” Rob around her, I told her I could too.
I called the girlfriend who had told me how to send away spirits, which I put to good use the night of my doorknob being turned, and told her of my experience. She felt too that Rob had been there, that his spirit was unsettled and that he’d been trying to contact me. She told me that right before going to sleep that I should ask him to come visit me in my dreams. I told her OMG! No!!!! That would definitely give me a heart attack if I awoke to see him sitting at the end of my bed? I never have asked.
I didn’t make note of it, but sometime shortly after Rob died, I went to see a psychic that came highly recommended. I didn’t really believe in psychics, but thought oh what the heck I’ll give it a try. I’d never met this woman, had spoken only once on the phone to book the appointment. I walked into her condo and she immediately asked “who’s Rob?”.
I was shocked! How on earth could she know about Rob? I wondered if the gal who recommended this psychic had told her Rob’s name, but then realized no she hadn’t known Rob. I told the psychic Rob was my late husband and asked her how she knew this?
She replied “because he walked in the door with you”. Every single hair on my body stood up! The hairs on my arms were most noticeable, but I also got that really strange shiver down my back too. It freaked me out that’s for sure! During my reading, she told me a lot of things that were true, things she’d never have known. I made a point because I was such a skeptic to not give much information away just to see what she had to say.
One thing the psychic did mention was that I still viewed myself as “married”. I found this a bit odd, as we’d been separated almost a year, but it also rang true because that’s how I perceived myself for so long. She also told me that Rob and I had met many times in past lives. Again I wasn’t a big believer in past lives, but when she told me I’d been his mother and his sister in previous lives, I remembered telling others when discussing my relationship with Rob that I always felt like his mother or sister, not his wife. I had told Rob these exact same words too after separating.
She asked me if I wanted to contact any deceased spirits and I said yes of course, my husband! She said what do you want to know? Again I was highly skeptical and extremely careful of what I told her but I asked her to ask Rob whether he’d visited me since passing and when he had died, as I still didn’t know when he’d passed away and they couldn’t tell me even after autopsy.
The psychic grinned and told me that my husband had a good sense of humour and that’s why she was grinning. She told me that yes he had visited me, that he hadn’t meant to scare me when he’d come to my bedroom door. Again every hair stood on end! She told me it was either very late Christmas Eve or the wee small hours of Christmas Day that he had died. I began to cry as I knew somehow when I’d uttered those words to my son that Rob was gone. I hadn’t really rationalized it, but just had a “feeling”, yet hadn’t trusted it because I was angry, disappointed and felt he may have taken off with WC.
I came away that day from the psychic with a new found perspective. How on earth could she know the things she knew if she wasn’t for real? I told my sis-in-law and my Mom and a few friends about it, they thought it strange too, but many of them didn’t believe in psychics either. Many other things the psychic told me would happen did not, but on certain points – she was spot on!
I’ve noted February 1st that my life insurance company would be issuing the cheque and that they’d courier it to my business address the next day which was a Friday, or on the Monday. I was relieved that I’d finally be able to pay my creditors. I told my other brother-in-law who was also in the insurance biz and he couldn’t believe how fast this was happening. He was familiar with my battles with them and said it’s unheard of to get a settlement like that under the circumstances, in such a short time. This was an instance where my stubbornness, tenacity and perseverance had worked in my favour.
On February 2nd I noted that I had to go to the boat to meet with a company that was going to do some carpet cleaning for me. This was upsetting for me because they were there to remove blood from the carpet and the foam suede surround of the bed from Rob. I knew it had to be done in order to sell the boat, you couldn’t see it all that much, but knew it was there and there was an odour because of it.
I was shocked at just how much was removed, and when it was finally done, was glad they were gone. I did not at this point know what Rob had done to take his life. It bothered me that there was so much blood. It was also this day that I picked up the phone in our bedroom on the boat to call someone and heard the fast beeps that there were messages.
I used the access number, it caught me off guard hearing Rob’s voice on the outgoing recording. I listened to all the messages, there were many. Quite a few were from me, I heard the anger and upset in my messages. A lot were from Rob’s Mom and the distress in her voice escalated with each call. When I heard my son’s Christmas morning message I just broke down and wept. I remembered telling my son to call, that I’d spoken the words that Rob may not be alive, and I now realized that Rob had never received these messages to know that many cared about him. I wondered if it would have made a damn bit of difference.
I saved all the messages for some reason, can’t remember now whether I ever listened to them again but I saved them anyhow. I remember exploring whether it was possible technologically to save the messages and more importantly, Rob’s voice on the outgoing greeting, but wasn’t able to. Funny the things we think of to do at times of turmoil.
My son was off for mid winter holidays and the housekeeper minded him. I’ve noted that I received the insurance cheque on February 5th and my mother-in-law also received one because we owed her money at the time and she was also on the policy. I wrote down that I was really sad and depressed and that my mother-in-law and I talked and that we both cried. I recorded I was sad and anxious for many days after this too.
On the 10th I attended a PJ party at my sis-in-law’s. Wasn’t really in the mindframe for it, but forced myself to go and get out of the house and noted that I had fun. I wasn’t having much “fun” during this time or the preceding year, so any was better than none.
I noted that on the 13th I asked my good friend Mike to call WC because I knew that she had the “Italian Stallion” necklace and our boombox. He reported back she had the necklace but wanted to keep it as a momento, I wasn’t about to argue, and that she’d “look” for the boombox. Keep in mind this boombox was huge! It weighed about 50 lbs. and how you’d not know you had something like that is beyond me. I believe she wanted to keep that too, but eventually she did give it back.
On the 13th I’ve also noted that I was very anxious and that my g/f B told me she was amazed at how many people I had who were helping me. I was thankful for every one of them!
February 14th Valentine’s Day was a day I was not looking forward to for a whole bunch of reasons. It reminded me that this was the day Rob and I had had an argument which led to our split up a year ago, that it was a day for lovers and I didn’t have one anymore. I noted that it was a sad day, but that my son made off like a bandit with goodies from me and others. Although it was a sad day filled with lots of reflection, I’ve also noted “no tears!” and that was a good thing!
February 15th Mike called me to tell me WC did in fact have the boombox (no kidding!) and that he’d told her my son wanted it and would be disappointed. I think it was the fact she’d be letting down my son that made her give it back. I remember thinking how much she’d taken from us, but then I realized it had nothing to do with her at all really. She was just the catalyst, owed me absolutely nothing, it was Rob’s actions that had caused what had transpired.
February 16th I noted “Split 1 year ago – WOW!!! So much in such a short time!”. I was also talking to my sis-in-law that same day and she said she knew that her parents were going to “Barb and Rob’s” and then she caught herself and said it had been “Barb and Rob” for so long that it just slipped out. We both cried with that comment. I told her I was very sad and that I thought about Rob every single day.
I also had a hair appointment on the 16th and when I sat down in the chair, my hairdresser who knew me quite well asked me what on earth had happened? That I looked like death warmed over. She said she knew something horrible had happened, that she could see it in my face. I told her of Rob’s passing and she was just shocked and gave me a hug. I looked once again in the mirror at the salon and wondered if the old Barb would ever return.
Not much else was noted for the rest of the month, but I basically was in survival mode doing what I knew had to be done to carry on. There were so many days and nights where I’d just have liked to have stayed in bed with the covers pulled over my head and escape everything that was going on. Had it not been for my son, I think I may have reacted differently. He kept me focused and grounded.