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Surviving Suicide – Part 13

June 18, 2010

Wowza! Yesterday was an absolutely disasterous day! Started out with a paperwork task that I’d put off for years, was dreading it but got it done and was glad to get it off my “to do” list. The day went dramatically downhill from there, high emotion and all the meditating/centering work I did wasn’t holding me in a positive mindframe. I started coming from a place of fear, which is never good and almost always not true, but I allowed these thoughts to pervade my mind and it just brought me more of what I didn’t want. Ended the day with a very upsetting email that made me cry, but the cry released a lot of pent up emotion and I actually felt better. I had 2 really upsetting calls with my Mom and that ended the night with a bang! I pondered the incredible ups and downs of the day, wondered what the heck had happened and realized much of it, if not all of it was due to my mindset.

Instead of doing the usual, I forced myself to a really great call about shifting your thoughts/inner dialogue and that got me right back on track. I went to sleep saying out loud that tomorrow would be a better day and it was! Watched a fantastic inspirational video posted on Facebook with music from Celine Dion’s “I’m Alive” along with some very inspiring messages, it started today off so differently, I really did feel excited about being alive, danced in my chair and then replayed it dancing in my office. My poor dog Spart didn’t know what to make of me, but as he pushed his way into my office with my almost closed door, he got pretty excited too and wanted to play😉. Here’s the link if any of you feel like an immediate boost! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UR3TGeY5JIs

I left off timewise in July 2000, took a look through my calendar tabs and saw that Rob took a lot of time off during the month of August 2000, claiming therapy appointments, other reasons too but it turns out he was helping the new gal pal WC set up her new apartment, playing house. Rob was very handy, great at painting, repairing, etc. and was turning himself inside out to get her new place just right as it was their love den😉. He told me later that this is what he’d been doing, sort of ticked me off that he’d not be paying attention to our business when it was what provided both of our lifestyles, but par for the course. I noticed a few things going missing from my house, nothing that I used on a regular basis, but things out of the basement. I realized I really couldn’t trust him having access to the house anymore, so I the non-techie figured out how to reprogram the alarm code. Don’t think I told him this, knew if he tried his code he couldn’t get in but wouldn’t you know it!, he tripped the alarm, then came in and somehow disabled the alarm system😦. I got a call at work telling me the alarm had gone off and was there a problem, I figured it was Rob, called him and sure enough he was in the house. I told him I’d changed the alarm code so he couldn’t get into the house, he thought he should have access. I told him I couldn’t trust him because he was taking things without telling me and that I’d be notifying the alarm company that he wasn’t allowed access anymore and that he’d have to come when I was home. I typed up a letter and faxed it off to the alarm company notifying them that Rob no longer lived there and I didn’t want him having access. He was pretty upset, but there were no further troubles from then on. Nothing much else happened in August other than I had a fabulous Girl’s Weekend up north at a cottage and really enjoyed seeing my friends, love those Girl’s weekends, great food, great convo, place stays clean, no worries about the toilet seat😉 and lots of laughs!

September 2000 rolled around and it was our wedding anniversary on the 10th. I noted “Sad, Sad – in bed all day – Rob called.” I remember that call, he was calling to say he remembered it was our anniversary and that he was thinking of me. Rob was never one for sentimental occasions nor any other occasions for that matter, so it struck me odd that he’d be calling me on this day under the circumstances, and I wondered where WC was. He told me things weren’t going all that well with her, that she felt he was suffocating her, that she needed her space, etc. Didn’t surprise me in the least that things weren’t working out, Rob could be pretty domineering if you let him and when he wanted something, he’d go 150% full speed ahead and I’d imagine could be viewed as a little too intense. I told him I was having a really bad day and that I was still amazed on our 23rd wedding anniversary that life was so completely upside down. I didn’t feel much like talking, so it was a short call and I was pretty confused why he was calling in the first place, but it dawned on me that if things weren’t working out for him, he’d now be thinking about picking up the pieces and seeing if I’d take him back. As if!

Rob took a lot of time off the next week and didn’t come into work at all on the Friday. He called on the Sunday to tell me he’d ended it with WC and said he wanted me back. My intuition was seldom wrong. I told him I was not surprised to hear it had ended, that he’d be okay but we’d not be getting back together again. I didn’t really believe he’d ended it anyhow. Rob came to work the following day on the Monday, was in terrible shape, looked exhausted and I actually felt sorry for him because I knew he didn’t know how to deal with emotional pain at all. I left early that day myself. Rob called me about 10:30pm very distraught and said he’d really ended it and would do whatever it took to be the person I wanted him to be. Again I didn’t really believe him, but could tell he was pretty distraught so was kind to him. I did note “BS!” in my calendar tab.

On the Wednesday, we had to go to a business meeting for our franchise, it was the last thing either of us wanted to do, but we knew we more or less had to, showed up, put on a brave face and pretended to be that dynamo husband and wife team😦. Didn’t stay a moment longer than we had to, but did hear the marketing/advertising plans for the next year, etc. On top of this, Rob had to “move out” from WC’s apartment that same day, took him about 6 hours to do all this and then I agreed to meet him at my house to let him in and store his stuff in the basement. That’s when I really got to see all that he had taken, pissed me off really, but I kept my mouth shut as I knew we had to go to the franchise meeting.

Into October and about 2 weeks after moving out from WC’s, Rob was really beginning to show physical signs of the emotional wear and tear. He told me Oct. 3rd that he was “ready” but needed time to get over WC! I didn’t say much as I knew by now that he was really quite emotionally sick and my compassion was still there for him or anyone else going through turmoil, but it was tempered with a lot of anger too on my part – very strange having these 2 emotions going on at the same time, but it’s how it was for me throughout the entire process – I loved him but I hated him. He called me later that night and said he wasn’t really ready, that he’d just said goodbye to her on the Monday for real this time lol! Again I supported him but gave him no encouragement whatsoever. I was torn emotionally I’ll admit, part of me wanted to go back in time and just make all of this mess not have happened, that was my heart speaking – but my head was telling me to steer clear. On Oct. 11th he’d had a lot to drink and called me again at home telling me “I love you, I just don’t know what to do.” I told him I’d see him at work the next day. He came in looking really rough again, the drinking was taking a toll on him, he was losing a lot of weight too and said “I’ll be deciding soon.” I thought to myself you can decide all you want, it ain’t happening – I did make a note “who cares?” so that pretty well summed up how I was feeling at that time. My friends I later found out were really worried at this time that I might cave and take him back.

This was all taking a toll on me too, but I kept a level head and was being more than fair and supportive because I knew he was in bad shape. On Oct. 17th I noted “really depressed and hopeless, business slow and WC still in the picture”. On the 19th I noted “I don’t want you” said 2 times” so I think from what I recall that Rob had done a 180 at this point and was telling me that he didn’t want me, but it could have also been WC telling Rob she didn’t want him – too much time has passed and fortunately the mind does tend to put unpleasant things out of memory. Rob also told me that WC had left her husband Tom for another man before Rob had entered the picture with her. Sounds like he’d met his match! Rob was asking me once again now that things weren’t working out who had told me of his affair with WC and the others. I didn’t tell him and he left mad. Oct. 26th I noted that Rob left early and had told me “but I adore her!” and he was telling me, his wife, that he adored his mistress. He then immediately asked me “what if I stopped WC, would there be a chance for us?” Geez that really went over well – not! lol! Oct. 31st I’ve noted that Rob asked me “I’ll ask one more time, would you want to put it back together? and said that WC won’t be pushed and he has to wait but he can’t. I entered 2 big question marks in my tab along with 2nd choice or what????” It was certainly the strangest thing I’d experienced in my life up to that point and I wasn’t sorry to see October over!

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