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Surviving Suicide – Part 11

June 14, 2010

I feel re-energized after doing yesterday’s blog, did an Angel Card reading today and was told to continue following my Divine guidance and I believe that my life purpose is to tell my story and help others heal from this trauma of suicide, so I am continuing on with this blog today. My hope is that eventually my blog can be edited into a book, that too is one of my goals.

One very strange thing that Rob did, at least it seemed strange to me, was to have some of the women he’d had affairs with to either our home, business or boat. I would think if you’re having affairs that you’d want to keep as much distance from your spouse as you could with those you’ve been involved with, but he didn’t. With the last, most current girlfriend, she was a member at our yacht club. I recall when she sort of entered into our group of friends, but I was never crazy about her, her husband or their group of friends. They just weren’t my kind of people, and it’s not very often that I don’t like someone on initial meeting, but with Karyn, it was immediate. She struck me as the victim type, helpless, very sweet and soft spoken, had an annoying little girl high pitched voice and I just had absolutely nothing in common with her. The rest of her group didn’t appeal to me either, they drank way too much, got out of control often and this isn’t who I chose to spend my free time with. Looking back on it afterwards, I realized my intuition served me well once again. Rob invited Karyn and Tom to our house for my birthday party the September before we split up. He didn’t ask, just told me he’d invited them. I asked him later whether he was already involved with her at that point, he denied it, but I think he may well have been. We also had a function for Valentine’s Day in 2000 that we booked for, and once again, Rob insisted on going with Karyn and Tom. It was not a good evening, quite awkward with long pauses of conversation and I think I drove home that night to our house and Rob slept on the boat. This fuction was just shortly before the actual Valentine’s Day, and as I previously mentioned, we split up on Valentine’s Day 2000. I know for a fact now that he was involved at this time with Karyn, but didn’t know that at that time. Seems insane to me to keep throwing your wife and your mistress together, but Rob’s take on it all was he figured I didn’t know, neither did Tom, so that was okay. Very odd indeed!

One other woman he was involved with, also a yacht club member, was Brenda. Brenda and her husband Eric were the members who sponsored us into the yacht club. They too drank way too much, had an extremely volatile relationship and Brenda again had that victim mentality. I believe Rob gravitated to those who were troubled or broken in some way, so that he could feel superior and able to fix whatever was wrong. Brenda was thrown in my face for quite a long time until I walked onto their boat one night and found Rob kissing her. I was livid! They’d all been drinking far too much, everyone was pretty well drunk. Rob and Brenda jumped apart when I hollered at them asking what the hell was going on, with some stupid explanation. This was in the very beginning of our boating and I remember thinking at that time that this wasn’t at all what I expected of “yachting”. I was expecting some classy, upper class people, but instead found a very rough crowd who drank like fish. I don’t recall what else transpired with the Rob and Brenda incident, but I stormed off their boat and back to mine and Rob followed immediately. I was furious, hurt and confused and really just wanted to get away from everyone, but we had docked our boat at Toronto Island and there was no real way to get back to the city late at night. Rob kept telling me it was harmless, it was only a kiss! It was the writing on the wall I realized later, the yacht club was very social and really served as reserve from which Rob could select. The other gal was my housekeeper that I mentioned previously. That one was particularly disgusting to me as I realized they’d probably had sex in the very beds I slept in, and probably with my son there too :(. Overall, the violation and betrayal seemed even worse because I knew some of these women, had been friends with some of them and had treated them well.

I have a very unusual perspective of having not only been cheated on, but I too in my very younger years had had an affair too. Rob and I moved out when I was very young, we married when I was 19 and he 23. We lived in our new apartment for 2 years, then moved into his parents’ house that Rob had grown up in when his parents retired and built their retirement home out of town. When Rob started working on his own customers in our driveway, we were heavily involved with the BMW Car Club and became good friends with many that he worked on their cars at our home. We had many weekend events and meetings with the Car Club, Rob was quite well known and he became really good friends with one Irish man, Paul, so did I. It was through Paul that Rob came to know his friend Susan, who was quite an attractive red headed Irish lass. Rob was my first and only love, I’d never been with anyone prior to him, so I came from a complete sense of trust and never doubted his fidelity, the thought never really even entered my mind. Rob had had several other sexual partners and a real big love of his life just about 1 year prior to me meeting him. When I was recently rereading my “Angry” letter, I noted that I was angry that the 2 big loves of Rob’s life had happened prior to me and directly after me, yet he was my one and only, it made me very sad.

Rob told me clearly that he’d never open up to another woman again after his heart was broken, I naively thought I could love him enough for both of us and that I’d change that. I have heard that men will be very upfront with how they feel and think, we just need to be smart enough to hear it and get the message. The other “love” of his life was Karyn which happened while we were still together and after we separated. Anyhow, I digress! The Irish gal was Susan and it turned out that he had his first affair, at least that I was aware of with Susan. I was never one to ask Rob where he was going, with who, when he’d be back, etc. as that wasn’t my style. Rob and I weren’t getting along and one night he didn’t come home which was a first. I was absolutely sick about it, figured he must be having an affair, this was well before the days of cell phones and I couldn’t call him to see what happened. I cried myself a river that night wondering what the heck was going on, I couldn’t sleep and finally at 4am I called his friend Paul to ask if he knew where Rob was as Rob had mentioned he was seeing him that night. Paul was very uncomfortable and awkward, said he hadn’t seen Rob since about 11pm the night before and had no idea where he was. I hung up feeling absolutely pathetic chasing my guy around and being a crazy calling people at 4am and vowed right there and then that I would never do that again! … and I didn’t. Rob later told me after confessing that Paul had been telling him not to let me know about Susan as I’d take him to the cleaners! Another lesson in who’s not your friend :(.

I didn’t hear from Rob the next day and decided it was time for me to go, so I called my Mom and asked if I could come stay with her for a while until I figured things out. I think I stayed about 2 weeks with my Mom, had to go back home one day for cheques at the house and realized Rob hadn’t been home much as my letter I’d left him on his pillow hadn’t even been opened. I had a dog at the time and realized that Rob hadn’t been looking after him properly either, so I called and asked him what the heck was going on. Rob asked me to wait until he got off work and got home so we could have a discussion. I reluctantly agreed. Rob got home, we sat in the livingroom and talked. He admitted pretty much right away that he’d been having an affair, that that’s why he’d been treating me so badly, picking fights, etc. This was a pattern I would see repeated, and from others I’ve spoken to, is often what the cheating spouse does. Rob was crying, telling me how he’d go here and there with Susan, thinking how much I would have liked to have seen those places, etc. Then he told me Susan was a nympho and was never satisfied and that she only wanted him for sex and that he felt used. I don’t know what my expression would have been at that time, but I’ve got a pretty expressive face so I’d imagine somehow that I was probably holding back a smirk even though I was devastated. All throughout my life, my sense of humour or the ability to see the funny in something never left me even in the midst of turmoil. Rob said he’d broken off with Susan and that he wanted me, wanted to work things out and that he’d never, ever cheat again. I looked into those big, brown, teary eyes of his and stupidly believed him. I made him call while I listened as he called Susan and told her that I knew about everything and that it was over and that he felt like a sex toy, etc. Was very surreal listening to that call I can tell you.

At this point, I felt compelled to wipe the slate clean because I too had a secret to share. My own integrity, my moral compass was out of alignment. I was not feeling comfortable, never had and lying by not telling Rob the truth about my affair had to be aired. More to follow tomorrow …

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