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Surviving Suicide – Part 9

May 25, 2010

One other thing that came out of the Separation/Divorce class was an amazing guest speaker that I mentioned earlier. I so liked her energy and clarity and was telling Rob about her and that she was a relationship therapist. Rob said maybe we should try her? I asked what for? I already knew there was far too much damage done to our relationship to be able to ever get past it, Rob kept asking me how I could be so sure. I just knew. I knew that for my own personal integrity I could never allow him back into my life or my heart as a partner and even though I would sometimes wish that everything that had happened could be undone, and that he and I would get back together and be okay, I reminded myself that reality was what it was and that I had ignored far too many red flags as it was, so I would come right back to the conclusion that it was over for good. Rob had always refused to go for any type of counselling previously, but had seemed to embrace it as he was taking a great deal of time off from work to go see his own. He said it was helping him tremendously and he really wanted to go see this one I spoke of. I reluctantly agreed, felt it was a waste of time, but conceded.

We went to see her, I explained my version, he explained his and then she said she doesn’t normally say this, but there was no way that we should even contemplate putting this fiasco back together again. Rob got very angry, told her she didn’t know us, that we’d been through so much together and how could she make that statement having met us only for 1 hour. The therapist told Rob she’d been doing this for many years and had seen far more than enough to know that this was not a healthy relationship, probably never had been and that we would be insane to put any more effort into such a toxic pairing. Rob had been very open with the therapist, told him how much he loved this new girlfriend, how alive she made him feel, etc. After he was finished expounding, the therapist did ask him why in heck he thought I’d want to hear all about his newest love, and that she felt he was here to attempt to get support for his wrong doings and that she just wouldn’t be doing that. At that point I think Rob realized what a faux pas he’d committed and he fell quite silent, again it reminded me of a young child being scolded. Wasn’t long after that that I thanked her for her time, that I totally agreed with her assessment but that I wanted Rob to hear it from her, a trained therapist even though I’d been saying the exact same thing. Then it came time to pay her fee so I handed her $50 and told Rob he could pay her the other half of the fee. The look on his face was absolute shock! I really do think he expected me to pay – silly goose! We drove back and he ranted a while about what an idiot she was, that she didn’t know what she was talking about and how dare she judge him. I didn’t say a word and we finished the rest of the drive back in silence and went back to work. Rob left early that day saying he had an appointment with his therapist. I noted in my calendar tabs “MOVING ON!”.

Rob was taking quite a bit of time off for his therapy appointments during May to July. He always got himself all cleaned up, wore his amazing new clothes, including a pink linen shirt! Pink??? The other thing that he was wearing was a new gold necklace, something he’d never worn in all the years we’d been together. He always wore his nice watch and a gold nautical bracelet I’d given him, but never a necklace. Not to offend anyone, but I think I did ask him “what’s up with the Italian Stallion necklace?” and he got very mad lol! I figured it was just another mid-life crisis and let it go. It always irked me that after asking him for years to get cleaned up and wear nice clothes, that the minute we split up, he did. It turns out the “therapy” appointments were all bogus. He was having dates with the new girlfriend, and I found this out when one of our mechanics mentioned to me that he’d seen Rob at the Go station picking another blonde up. Our poor employees really were caught in the middle, they felt great loyalty to me but they also worked with Rob. We had told them together about our separation, but they knew he was seeing someone and that I wasn’t aware. One person’s actions can impact so many.

I previously mentioned I believe that the first time Rob mentioned suicide was in May 2000. I can’t remember the details or how it came up, but I do remember thinking there’s no way that arrogant SOB would ever do that, people who talk about it never follow through. I later found out how very wrong I was on both counts. Rob in May was having a “thrift” moment in regard to all the insurances we paid out. We had business insurance, car, boat, house, life and it was expensive, but I’d always felt it was necessary. He asked me to get new quotes to see if we could reduce at all. I did find a big reduction with life insurance and had begun the screening process of having our bloodwork done and a physical before acceptance. It was right around this time that I’d found out about all the affairs, the sheer number of them and that he’d had unprotected sex with each and every one of them because he wasn’t into condoms😦. I remember very clearly how violated I felt, that he’d put my health and well being at risk and without any concern for me. He had as I mentioned made a comment this same month about suicide, and when I found out I’d been exposed to everyone he’d slept with, I think I said “once the bloodwork results are back, as they test for HIV/Aids, if you’ve given me anything, I think I’ll save you the trouble of taking your own life, because I swear to gawd I’ll kill you myself!” I was pretty mad obviously, his reaction was just smugness and I think this may have been the incident I earlier related where I smacked him off the chair😦.

I can’t remember now how long it took for those blood results to come back, but it seemed like forever. I had a sizeable life insurance policy on Rob because of debts, etc. so I knew the moment he mentioned suicide, that I could not take the risk of cancelling a long standing insurance policy to go with a new cheaper one. At that time, the life insurance companies had a stipulation that no pay out would occur on suicide if the policy were less than 2 years old. I had a dilemma but knew I just couldn’t risk it even though I truly didn’t believe then he ever would follow through. I have to deviate for just one brief moment here. I had to use dictionary.com to double check the correct spelling of “dilemma” and they’ve just started giving cool little facts as you enter the word you’re looking for, and it wasn’t lost on me that the fact they were giving was “mayday” The distress call “mayday” isn’t even an English word, so what is its origin? It sure made me laugh as there were many times I’d have liked to holler out “MAYDAY” during this whole mess lol! I have a warped sense of humour as it is, and this blog is a very heavy topic, so just wanted you to know I haven’t lost my sense of humour and thought I’d share😉.

Here’s the explanation for Mayday: Word Origin & History
mayday
“distress call,” 1927, from Fr. m’aider, shortening of venez m’aider “come help me!”
Online Etymology Dictionary, © 2010 Douglas Harper

Now … getting back on track! The blood results did come back negative in June, the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders I can tell you. I had been on tenterhooks waiting for those results, had asked the agent to please let me know the minute he got them and he had asked me why? Why couldn’t I just wait until he came in with the paperwork? I was mortified, but had learned at this point to just get over the embarrassment and told the agent that my husband had apparently been highly active in the sexual department and that I was worried I may have had something passed onto me. At that point he immediately told me the results. I thanked him profusely and hung up.

I told Rob the results and he said what did you expect? I said I don’t know what to expect anymore! I then told Rob that we’d not be changing life insurance companies even though the new company was much cheaper. He thought I was an idiot, I listened that day to my intuition loud and clear and thank gawd I did! I then had the awkward task of calling the agent back to tell him that we simply wouldn’t be going forward with the new policy. He was pretty unhappy and made no attempt to cover that up. He tried guilting me out that his company had already incurred expense of sending out the nurse for the physical and bloodwork, etc. I held my ground and told him what Rob had said about suicide and that I just couldn’t take the chance. Concerned salesman that he was, he suggested I run double policies until the 2 year period was up! Can you believe that? At that point I got very business like and said, the entire purpose behind all of this was to reduce insurance costs, what in the world makes you think that I’d now decide to double up for 2 years? I didn’t even wait for an answer, I just told him this was the cost of doing business, that I was sorry for it, but I could not go with him.

June was one helluva month!

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